Dressing for Halloween at the office is...
So it’s Halloween and of course some people are dressed for the costume contest. I don’t have any problem with someone dressing in costume at the office. After all, anything to take your mind off of mind-numbing drudgery is understandable. Here’s the thing though. Wearing a costume at work totally defeats the purpose of Halloween for adults, which is to get sexy chicks in sexy...
Dawn sure knows how to do creepy for Halloween
I got to my desk this morning to find a jug (I had no idea it came in a jug either) of Tabasco sauce on top of a note that read “I missed you this weekend.” Obviously Dawn from the stockroom didn’t sign her name, but…I think I’m going to spend my entire workday sanitizing my desk.
Workshop = hell
One of the bullet points in our workshop today was “Respecting Diversity.” Seriously? Are we adults or middle-school students? At the latest, we should have gotten this sort of information when we were college freshman. At least that one is over, but I give it another two weeks before we have another silly workshop.
Because a 4-hour workshop isn't long enough
I got a message yesterday that my Friday workshop has been extended from 4 to 4.5 hours. From other people that have lived through this thing, I have heard the workshop involves: giant Post-It notes (what is a workshop without them?) some exercises (team-building, anyone?) and roleplaying. Wouldn’t it be easier just to kick me in the groin?
Doughnut = fat pill
That dick Chad in marketing saw me getting a doughnut this morning and said, “Got yourself a fat pill, huh?” Two things, Chad. You’re not making me feel guilty that I don’t work out twice a day, and that I enjoy an occasional doughnut. How is it that you don’t get punched in the neck 24 hours a day?
Office or dentist? I'd pick dentist.
At 8:30, I saw Luther from shipping heading out to his car. “I’m going to the dentist,” he said. Lucky SOB.
Vote NO! on hugging at work (a much-needed...
So I was the recipient of another hug at work. And this wasn’t just a momentary pat on the shoulder sort of deal. This was…you know when you’re 9 years old and you visit that aunt you only see a couple times a year and she gives you a big hug and your only thought is “Release me, woman!” It was like that. Only without the damp kisses and the mustache brushing your...
A whole new meaning to walk of shame
My walk of shame leaving Dawn’s house on Saturday morning was nothing compared to walking through the halls at work after Dawn has told everyone all the details (most of which I don’t remember) of our dalliance.
Last night, happy hour. This morning, not so much.
Carmela’s happy hour was great. Maybe a little too great because I woke up this morning next to Dawn from the stockroom. In her bed. After a bath that involved isopropyl alcohol and steel wool, here is what I remember. About happy hour several beers three shots of Tullamore Dew About Dawn (vaguely) Tabasco sauce a lot of elbows What I don’t remember is how I got this giant...
We're having a pumpkin carving contest!
We’re having a pumpking carving contest next week (with prizes!) Oh activities committee, it’s cute that you think people here still care.
Drinking early on a Friday = win
I asked Carmela what time her exit interview is tomorrow. She told me 1:30 and she didn’t need a lot of persuasion when I said we should start drinking as soon as her exit interview is over. By the way, just what is the point of an exit interview? Why can’t they just let you go?
Marcus the engineering vortex is a comedian. Just...
I was sitting at my desk with King Salami and the Cumberland 3 on my headphones. I reached over for my water. That was when I noticed Marcus the engineering vortex standing about six inches behind my chair. Holy crap! This guy is stealthy. He’s like some special forces operative. Only he wouldn’t need any weapons. He could just sneak up on people and proceed to bore them to death. He...
Time to celebrate someone's parole from this...
Friday is the last day for Carmela in manufacturing. Good news (for her): She is escaping this place. Bad news: She’s one of the few people I like, and some of the best eye candy in the building. Good news: Happy hour for Carmela = an invitation to drink. Bad news: I’ll be drinking with people from work.
Ready for happy hour at 9:45 AM? You betcha!
At 9:45 this morning, one of my co-workers asked, “Are you ready for happy hour?” Does the pope wear a funny hat?
Connie, queen of the backhanded compliment
The engineering intern Dylan got a haircut this weekend. I was standing right next to him when Connie from purchasing told him, “You look so professional now.” Being just an intern, Dylan didn’t have the guts to tell her she still looks like a battleax.
Dawn must love the baseball playoffs
I hadn’t even been at the office five minutes when I ran into Dawn from the stockroom. She said, “Happy Friday, pal!” and smacked my ass like a third base coach with a guy that has just hit a homerun. I guess I should feel flattered, but I don’t know where her hands have been. Wait a minute. Yes I do. I’m going to burn my jeans.
There's no i in team, but...
Summary of yesterday’s 3:30 meeting (which ended at 5:11, causing me to still be in the conference room when I should have been in a bar with a beer watching the baseball game. Thanks for nothing, Chad. Dick.) Low-hanging fruit (I’m still not really sure what this means): 4 times Synergy (synergize, synergistic): 6 times At the end of the day: 7 times Moving forward: 9 times ...
Is the market tied to the weather?
I was standing at the urinal when Marcus (the vortex) from engineering sidled up at the urinal next to me. “It’s a cooker today.” Dude, do you not know the protocol of the restroom? No talking when you’re taking care of your business. ”Yeah, it sure is.” “The temperature is supposed to drop 20 degrees over the weekend. It makes me wonder if there is a...
Who schedules a 3:30 meeting?
That dick Chad in marketing is at it again. I open my e-mail this morning and what do I see? An invitation* to a 3:30 meeting. My boss was CC’d on it, so I can’t just skip out. But don’t expect me to pay any attention, Chad. *This makes it sound like your presence is requested at something pleasant instead of demanded at something you wouldn’t be caught dead at. What these...
Office survival tip #1: get rid of your guest...
Note: This is not office survival tip #1 because it is the most important, but because it is the first one I am sharing with you. Get rid of your guest chair. The guest chair only provides the opportunity for some unwanted guest to be comfortable while he is detaining you for as long as he deems necessary. On your turf. You don’t want that so ditch the guest chair.
A weekend with Dawn = sex sex sex
I made the mistake of asking Dawn from the stockroom how her weekend was. She and her boyfriend (or it might have been some hitchhiker she picked up…who knows) took a little trip out of town and I heard ALL about it…down to every place they had sex and every position they tried. I need to shower again.
Happy Monday, chumps. (Part II)
Next on the agenda: lunch (2 duck eggs with chipotle and beer of course) nap. How’s your day?
Happy Monday, chumps.
One of the great things in life: having Monday off when other chumps are going to work.
Give up the comb-over
I went to my barber shop today and ran into Art from accounting. He was getting his comb-over touched up. Here’s what I wonder about comb-over guy. At what point do you realize you’re not fooling anyone and just decide to shave your head completely so those lonely hairs on the side don’t have to cover your entire dome.